Friday, August 1, 2008

a bit of rambling

It seems that a lot of my posts and poetry reflect something of a deep grief that I have carried inside for a very long time.  Pain has never been too far from the surface for me, not for quite a few years at least, but the last year of study at MHGS has touched wounds that were so deep I had forgotten how to feel them.   I have a complicated relationship with these wounds.  If it hadn't been for this process, most of the words I have written here could have never formed inside of me.  If it hadn't been for this process though, there would probably be many more entries on these pages.  I can't say definitively which case would be better, but I hope that my silence is part of the price of finding a stronger and truer voice.

Diving inside the darkness of your own story can be a dangerous process.  I was sure I could handle the "disruption" people talked about as I entered this program.  My life feels like it has been in a constant state of disruption since my marriage began to fall apart in 2003.  I have wrestled with doubt already.  I knew the danger, but also the possibility of redemption.  I thought I knew at least.  I did not realize how quickly I could get tangled up in my own messiness as I started to name the more difficult parts of my own story.  

I built really effective defenses at some point in my life, walls to keep people away from the messy places.  Many of these were not conducive to healthy relationships, but they kept me safe from myself and others.  I started to tear those walls down at MHGS.  I could see how they had failed me, and I was done repeating old themes.  I didn't really expect that I would fall right into the destructive patterns I was fighting to change.  And I definitely didn't know how messy that would get without my dependable defenses.  

My friend Nathan stated it well for me tonight.   I don't remember the exact quote, but I'll paraphrase to say that MHGS keeps us living out on the edge -- of our relationships, our faith, our doubt, and our mess.   When you're walking along that edge, you're likely to misstep and the consequences will be significant.  I think I've had more than my fair share of missteps in the past six months ... you'd think I would learn eventually.  I have failed.  I have colluded in destructive relationships.  I've hurt people I love.  I've lost friends.  I have made mistakes I can't erase, and my heart breaks whenever I think about some of them.  

I have also learned a lot about grace.  I've learned a lot about love and hope too.  My default mode is to fight pretty hard against these gifts.  They're dangerous, but oh so beautiful.  I've learned to (every once in awhile) put down my gloves and enjoy their sweetness.  I've learned that right and wrong is not as cut and dry as we'd like to make it.  Sometimes we screw things up so badly that there is no way out that will erase the harm; the right thing is to quit trying to fix and accept the weight of our failures.  I've learned that people are complicated, difficult, and still beautiful just like the image of the God that they reveal.  

I could keep going, but I think it's better that I make my way to a point and get back to the paper I have due in 14 hours.  I wasn't really sure when I set out to write this what that point would be, but I guess I just want to say how thankful I am that I'm not alone.  It would be all too easy to judge me for the times I've stepped over the edge recently.  There is just no way to sugar coat some of these failures.  I know I am still loved though.  I was told that twice tonight.  I know that there are other people who are willing to walk that dangerous edge.  Maybe we're wrong in doing things this way.  Maybe MHGS is wrong in guiding us there.  But I see something beautiful in people who are willing to carry a light into their own dark places.  I don't know how else we learn to take that light into the rest of this world's darkness.  I've walked a safe distance from the danger before.  I've kept the mess and the wounds buried.  I didn't feel alive anymore either.  I didn't feel human.  I felt like a computer running a program, meeting all of the conditions that would lead to the right answer and the right outcome.  I wonder if we worry a little too much about doing the "right" thing ... maybe it's even a bit self righteous.

So anyway, I'm a total mess right now.  I've fucked up a lot, and I'm going to be working through the broken pieces for a long time.  I don't have the "right" answer, and this certainly doesn't feel like the "right" outcome.  Thank you Lord for your gift of grace.  I hope you meant it when you said that you make all things new.  Thank you friends who know my story and still love me.  It's good to feel alive and good to be writing again.  On the other hand, it is not good to have half a paper to write between 2 am and 4:30 pm.  ;)  

 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Love it! Just keep on keepin' on. One day at a time is the only way to take it. And I love that God takes us broken & inadequate people & equips them just as we need.